Obviously, from my lame blog last night, nothing is ever new today. This semester break is just too damn boring but twas all good because I'm able to write something.

What to write now, then?

Thinking...

Buffering...

Ding!

I started wondering, how much have I changed for about 5 years ago? I remember I was like 90 lbs way back 2009 and I gained like almost 50 lbs (exaggerated) after 3 years until I started realizing how ugly I have become and decided to lose weight just about this year because I already got nothing else to wear but to buy a new one (always)! I'm blaming it all on the alcohol, though! That's what made me gained too much unwanted figures from that weighing scale. I guess I wasn't just really into myself that time because my whole world revolved around a stupid person (and I don't want to start giving y'all some details now.)

Two years ago, if I haven't shifted from my former course to my present course, I would've graduated from college already just like my friends who are now starting to settle down with their own families and they got their own houses and shits, too. Some already have kids while some have already traveled a few countries. And here I am, stuck in college; waiting for the last six months of my life in school and grab that degree that I have been waiting for like six or seven years now! This is so frustrating!

With that, I get easily frustrated. I am actually suffering from a mild Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) which I just later found out when I took BS Psychology. I usually wanted things to be done as how I pictured it to myself. When I plan things out, I always make sure it will happen the way I wanted it to. When it didn't turn out to be just as how I planned it to be, I'll start feeling so agitated and then there comes frustration.

I am a perfectionist. I always wanted everything to be organized and well-planned and neat and the list of perfectionism could go on. This is why I don't usually join any competitions because I fear failure and rejection. I hate the feeling of losing. It makes me feel like I don't possess enough skills which I can cater to everyone when I actually know that I have them. I remember when I was still active with my band and we joined an amateur competition which was the very first time that I ever competed against another bands (I'm on the vocals) and we won the battle (I feel so proud of my band that time), we were invited to another competition. I was refusing but we competed anyway. It didn;t turn out well for us. After that, I never joined any 'Battle of the Bands' ever again. Haha! Well, our competitors that time were all "punks-not-dead" kind of bands and we were like the "alternative-contemporary" type of a band so we didn't get the chance to show that off to the judges because they're all "hard-nut rockers",  too! Haha! But yeah, that was a good experience. So lately, I only play with my band on weddings, debuts, anniversaries, and such and I find it more fun, actually.

In relation to that, when I failed a few of my subjects from the last semester of the previous academic year, I felt so frustrated and I didn't even want to go back to school anymore. So, I asked my mom to book me a visa to KSA to live with them and work my butt off there.

I wasn't doing fine at school back then because of a break-up. I suffered from mild depression back then and it lasted for 4-5 month. I was skipping classes because I was losing concentration during classes. But, thank be to God, because my professors helped me out. They knew what I have beein going through and they're all aware that I was failing all of my subject that time so they enouraged me to keep on working atleast my thesis. I've been more than half-way to defending our study so they motivated me never to quit just yet because I still got the chance to make it better. And so I did! They're great motivators! I also got my 'Psych-o' squad with me that time. They did everything that they could and been cheering me up on a daily basis til I get through that hell-like phase of my life. So, I've only passed one subject (which was my thesis) and I failed the rest of my them. My friends were all graduates now. I'm hopeful, anyway! I know I'll get there. *winks*

That's what frustration does to me. It always just hits me hard and knocks me deep down! 

I mentioned that I also fear rejection. I hate the feeling of being rejected that's why I don't usually try to insist someone for something when they already said 'No'. Twice is enough. Thrice would make me slap you already! If you're up for it, say 'Yes!' but if you don't, just simply say 'No'.

I don't usually take 'No' as an answer, though. You should always bring with you a reasonable explanation, and if you would want to try to make up some shitty ones, you better come up with a good one. Dare not to make me figure out that you're lying. I'm good at it. I sure am.

But, something did change in me. Yep. Something.

I realized how amazing life can be when you start to do things that you've never done before. I realized how awesome my life could be if I try to break some rules; rules that I have been living with this long!

I learned that I should never regret anything that I've done before; the stupid things that I've done. Because at the end of that road, you'll eventually realize that it happened for good reason. You will never actually learn anything at all if you're too consumed with your fears in life. Life wouldn't be that great for you if you won't dare to take some risks. You will never enjoy what life could bring if you will always be afraid to make mistakes and fail for a few times!

Break some rules! Do things that you usually hate before! Be wild! Be awesome! Be stupid! Be obnoxious! Get wasted! Get high! Be the person that everyone usually hates even just for a day!

Don't ever fear of losing anyone! Your real people will always get you. You'll learn to find out who the real ones are by actually losing some. I've already proven that myself; many left but the best of the best stayed. I don't care if they're few in count. I get them and they get me and that'll be the best part of it. People come and go. If they left you and never returned, that only means that they're just a chapter in your life; their existence in your book is never meant to last.

Try to do things that you find unusual because it's way more fun than you could ever imagine! 

Bounce!