GEECHOLOGY

AGE WILL NEVER MATTER

Diary Sunday, November 20, 2016

Age doesn't matter. This is not about love. That cliche is also relevant when it comes to friendship. I'm the eldest in the group but we got along so well.

I've known these people for a long time especially my sister, ofcourse! And the rest were my fellows from the church back then. I remember when I was still active in the church, I was one of the leaders of the Youth Ministry and these people were one of our subordinates back then. By the way, they are all musically inclined so they are my batch's descendants in the Music Ministry, too! We've known each other for quite some time now but we never got that close unlike today.

This group began when my sister and some of the squad have been spending slumber parties at our place. There was this one night (a day off from work) where I invited them over for a movie (moviessss, I meant) and then it never stopped since then. It happened more often when I took a month-long vacation leave from work. My friends have been too busy with their personal lives so we seldom go out lately. But thankfully, I got a squad now who can keep up with me and can get along with my shenanigans as well.

We never had a dull moment together; we were always so loud and spontaneous! There was even an instance when we've been spending consistent slumber parties for one whole week! And that's how we came up with the squad's name, 'Team Clingy', because we can't just get enough of the time we've been spending together (may it be a week-long already!)

We all clicked because we all love movies, may it be a bad film or an award-winning one. But we prefer horror movies. We enjoy feeling thrilled and breathless when watching horror movies; that kind of excitement is our common denominator! There are times when we'll feel too disturbed about the movie that we've just watched; that excruciating feeling which may haunt us til bed time. So to lessen the tension, we'll watch a comedy or an animated film afterward. The squad has been together for a few months now and we're running out of good horror films to watch. LOL!

More details about the squad:

We have our "Runners" in the squad and they're the ones who were assigned to buy foods and drinks from the nearest convenient store. We have a "Chef" in the squad as well who cooks us his best dishes and midnight snacks. We also have our "Audio and Visual Technician" in the group who fixes the TV, speakers, laptop and even the internet connection when it starts acting up; he's too tech savvy that he's assigned in searching which website we could watch movies from (from downloading movies to watching via online streaming.) We even have our "Boss" slash "Financer" in the team who shells out more for the squad but there are times when everyone willingly gives out so we can have even shares for our expenses. The rest are the "Assistants" who volunteers to make us coffee while waiting for the others to come over and mostly were assisting our "Chef" in the kitchen.

And oh! We have one more member from the squad! He is always active in the group chat, especially when he loved the topic. But he never showed up after Day 1 of slumber party (which I am not part of yet). He was so busy at work that he's already making us feel unwanted. Kidding aside, we love you and we are really hoping that you'll show up soon!

In just a span of two months, we' were able to have this tight bond of friendship. We don't spend nights together just for movies and slumber parties nor to spare our time together. We spent more nights together because we started feeling the need of each other's presence; that comfort and joy that everyone can feel when we're together. We started sharing our personal stories to each other. We even shared problems and struggles together. We turned into a family.

What am I up for in sharing our story? It ain't just about plainly sharing a part of what is happening in my present life. This is about the beauty of being able to learn how to get along with younger people and learning from them, too!

I am not the type of person who's fond of getting along with someone younger than me. I've always believed that when I talk to someone younger me, all I got to do is to listen to them because they need that type of affection, acceptance and they are soliciting for an advice, too.

I love getting along with people who are older than I do. I love listening to what life has already taught them; how years of living in this world made them who they are now; how they define failure and success; and the list could go on. Older people have lesser dramas in life, too.

I also prefer getting along with people of same age as I do. We usually share similar burdens in life, career issues and life goals. People of my age usually have same taste in travel, hobbies, and conversations were more in-depth and interesting.

But I was wrong. I never realized what it feels like to be with those who were five years younger than me (or even a chance to have this tight type of friendship.)

This experience taught me a lot: It is never always about the age to get to measure one's wisdom and maturity. Again, never always.

Age has been correlated with experience. We've had that understanding for generations now. But there will be times that even a 7-year old kid can make us realize something better than a 30-year old could. It happens! Older people may be able to give us better insights, but we should never disregard that we can learn something from the younger ones, too. Thankfully, I got the chance to recreate a new principle in life because of this squad.

Always be welcoming to the new experiences that life is giving us. There's more to it than you can ever imagine. Bounce!

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REALIZATIONS FROM MY QUEST FOR LOVE

Diary Saturday, October 15, 2016

After my morning routine, I happen to take a look back with my past relationships. I remember all the happy memories, the mistakes I did, the pain they left me scarred with until today, the promises that were left broken, and just everything from the past. I, then, came to an idea of writing something about how do we come up to a decision of dating someone. What should be the criteria or should there be none? Does it comes with an immediate feeling of Love or just a wild infatuation which will lead us there eventually, too?

Thus, who should you date then?

You should date someone you can goof around with. Someone who can embrace your craziness. Someone who finds you beautiful even if you already look stupid. (That's kinda cute!) Someone you can laugh your ass off with. Someone who doesn't have to ask you to change but is content of who you are as being you yourself.

You should date someone you don't have to impress. Someone who doesn’t have to ask you to act in a certain way or speak in a certain manner so you can attract them. You should date someone who is impressed by your uniqueness; by your originality. Someone who is not driven by the mainstream generation but by authenticity and by how real you are. Remember: You should date someone whom you don’t have to impress because they're already impressed by you and with who you are.

You should date someone you can be too honest with. This is the hardest part, I guess. To find someone you can date whom you can trust all your secrets with and feel comfortable of telling them about all the crazy stories you kept inside. As you have become too fragile because of all your failed relationships from the past, take enough time to find someone whom you can trust in the max level!

You should date someone who listens and tries to understand. Date someone who always tries to understand you without even judging. Someone who can drop everything by the second you ask for their time to vent out your shits to them and help you keep it together. You should date someone who will always get you even when you're messed up already.

You should date someone who doesn’t expect you to have a spotless life or a spotless past. Date someone who doesn’t make you feel afraid of sharing your worst mistakes. Date someone whom you won't feel ashamed with of saying you don’t know something. Date someone who is not afraid of teaching you and who is willing to learn from you too. You should date someone who will accept you that you are a human being who is susceptible to making mistakes.

In connection with the previous statement, you should date someone who will always forgive you. Someone who will always give you endless chances of giving it another try to work things out with you. Date someone who wouldn't just give you the space for a change but will actually open doors for you to become a better version of yourself. Thus, you should date someone who will inspire you to be successful.

You should date someone who doesn’t care about status. Date someone who is over-impressing people with who they date (and that should be you). Date someone who knows better; someone who gets it and someone who doesn’t think of people as "trophies" (because only scumbags will do that) and date someone who knows that having you by their side is enough. Again, someone who is sure that having you, and you alone, is enough.

You should date someone who always finds you beautiful. Date someone who always reminds you that you can be yourself and you will still be loved. Date someone that even on your worst or weakest days you still mean the world to them. Date someone who still thinks you’re hot even when you’re tired and pale. Or even when you are barely speaking a word. Date someone who finds your quirks endearing. Date someone who finds you sexy even after eating a couple cups of rice or tons of plate on a buffet meal. Date someone who finds you sexy just wearing a lose white shirt and pajamas, and will find you more gorgeous especially when you're all dressed up for a fancy party for the night. You should date someone who will make you feel that you are the only girl that they admire.

And this is the greatest part of my realization:

You should date someone who can ease your anxiety. Don’t date the guy who makes your life even harder than it already is. (Cos that is pretty unacceptable!) Date a guy who understands that you’re a gentle soul. Date a guy who is capable of easing your anxiety.

Why? Here's the thing: Maybe you suffer from panic attacks. Maybe you’re just an average girl who overthinks about anything and everything. But none of that should matter to him. Because if you’re with the right person, you wouldn't have to worry about scaring him away with your “craziness.” Because to him, it won’t be craziness at all. It’ll just be you. And he’ll be there for you, because he loves you.

You see, the right guy won't be judging you when your anxiety starts overpowering you. The right guy will not make any lame excuses to leave just because he is feeling uncomfortable with your situation. The right guy is going to sit on the floor with you, to calm you down, and help you steady your breathing. The right guy is going to hold you in his arms until you stop shaking and will even let you use his sleeves to wipe the mess of tears on your face. He will always be there emotionally and physically and spiritually, until you feel better again.

When you find the right guy, a guy who can ease your anxiety, you’ll never feel like a burden again. Unlike your exes, he won’t make fun of you for getting too upset over such “silly little things.” He won’t get pissed off by how often you cry over seemingly nothing. He won’t blame you for ruining a fun night out with his friends.

Above all, he won’t make you feel like complete shit for having feelings.

He’ll hate your anxiety, yep that is for sure! But he won’t hate it because of all the trouble it causes him. (Only boys who are pretending to be a man will do that because they got no balls to man up for you. Believe me!) He’ll hate your anxiety because of what it does to you. He’ll hate it, because he never wants to look at your beautiful face covered with tears or your beautiful body trembling with fear. He’ll hate it, because he loves you.

Whatever you do, never let yourself believe that your anxiety makes you unlovable. As you know from experience, some men won’t be able to handle it, but those are men you’re better off without. Trust me, there’s a guy out there who won’t give a fuck about your anxiety. No matter how many times you break down in front of him, he’ll never look at you and see some pathetic bitch. All he’ll see is his stunning girlfriend, the love of his life..

Finally, you should date someone who doesn’t make you feel like dating them is a race you need to win. That you have to compete for their attention and love. That you have to work on your resume so they can accept you, that you have to learn more skills so they can approve of you and date someone who thinks you’re overqualified to even participate in these ridiculous non-sense games. Date someone who doesn’t even want to play because the game ended the moment they met you.

My Love,

I might have not found you yet, but I know that we will cross each other's path soon. In the right time, in the perfect time, I say, I will find you and you will find me. While I take time to fix myself from all the brokenness it has been through, I will be a better version of myself when I see you. My love, whoever you are, I will see you soon.

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GIVING UP ON LOVE

Diary Wednesday, October 05, 2016

I usually try to be brave. I try to be hopeful. I try to be optimistic but lately, reality has been challenging me. It’s been raining on my rainbows and casting a shadow over my sunshine.

I’m tired of the guessing games, the questions, the sleepless nights, the analyzing, the messages that don’t mean anything and I’m tired of putting myself out there only to get disappointed.

I’m tired of being told, "They’re not worth it." and that I deserve better.

I’m tired of falling for the ones who care less, the ones who are not serious, the ones who think I’m only good for a certain amount of time but not forever. And I’m tired of falling for the ones who make me feel like it’s my fault.

I’m tired of my friends telling me to move on because they don’t think it’s right. They don’t think it will go anywhere. I’m tired of hearing that it’s a waste of time; that I should wait for the one who showers me with love and affection.

I’m tired of feeling like I need to stop being myself so I can find love. I’m tired of feeling that no one accepts me for who I am because I’m hard to love. I’m tired of not finding love because I’m being myself.

I always tell people to try; to open up their hearts; to give it another shot; to break their own hearts. But lately, I feel like it shouldn’t be that hard; it shouldn’t be a war and it honestly just stopped making sense to me.

It doesn’t make sense to keep getting heartbroken when all we wanted to do was love. We show our best to someone yet they show us their worst. The more we like someone, the more they ignore us. The moment you’re ready for love, it eludes you. It just doesn’t make sense.

And I just can’t hold on to something that doesn’t make sense anymore. I can’t hold on to something unpredictable, annoying, painful and heartbreaking. I can’t hold on to something that makes me doubt myself. I can’t hold on to something I can’t find.

So maybe the only thing that makes sense is to give up. Maybe this is the only time when giving up would be the smartest decision because quitting something that clearly doesn’t want you is liberating.

I’m giving up on love because it seems like love has given up on me a long time ago.

-R.N.

posted from Bloggeroid

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FEAR IS STUPID SO BREAK SOME RULES!

Diary Friday, December 11, 2015

I woke up at around 10:30 in the morning (today); fixed my bed, brushed my teeth, put a little toner on my face, turned the speakers on to play my favorite morning playlist from my phone, made a cup of coffee, lit a cigarette, seated on our porch while I take a deep breath and take sip from my cup. Twas actually my morning routine.

Obviously, from my lame blog last night, nothing is ever new today. This semester break is just too damn boring but twas all good because I'm able to write something.

What to write now, then?

Thinking...

Buffering...

Ding!

I started wondering, how much have I changed for about 5 years ago? I remember I was like 90 lbs way back 2009 and I gained like almost 50 lbs (exaggerated) after 3 years until I started realizing how ugly I have become and decided to lose weight just about this year because I already got nothing else to wear but to buy a new one (always)! I'm blaming it all on the alcohol, though! That's what made me gained too much unwanted figures from that weighing scale. I guess I wasn't just really into myself that time because my whole world revolved around a stupid person (and I don't want to start giving y'all some details now.)

Two years ago, if I haven't shifted from my former course to my present course, I would've graduated from college already just like my friends who are now starting to settle down with their own families and they got their own houses and shits, too. Some already have kids while some have already traveled a few countries. And here I am, stuck in college; waiting for the last six months of my life in school and grab that degree that I have been waiting for like six or seven years now! This is so frustrating!

With that, I get easily frustrated. I am actually suffering from a mild Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) which I just later found out when I took BS Psychology. I usually wanted things to be done as how I pictured it to myself. When I plan things out, I always make sure it will happen the way I wanted it to. When it didn't turn out to be just as how I planned it to be, I'll start feeling so agitated and then there comes frustration.

I am a perfectionist. I always wanted everything to be organized and well-planned and neat and the list of perfectionism could go on. This is why I don't usually join any competitions because I fear failure and rejection. I hate the feeling of losing. It makes me feel like I don't possess enough skills which I can cater to everyone when I actually know that I have them. I remember when I was still active with my band and we joined an amateur competition which was the very first time that I ever competed against another bands (I'm on the vocals) and we won the battle (I feel so proud of my band that time), we were invited to another competition. I was refusing but we competed anyway. It didn;t turn out well for us. After that, I never joined any 'Battle of the Bands' ever again. Haha! Well, our competitors that time were all "punks-not-dead" kind of bands and we were like the "alternative-contemporary" type of a band so we didn't get the chance to show that off to the judges because they're all "hard-nut rockers", too! Haha! But yeah, that was a good experience. So lately, I only play with my band on weddings, debuts, anniversaries, and such and I find it more fun, actually.

In relation to that, when I failed a few of my subjects from the last semester of the previous academic year, I felt so frustrated and I didn't even want to go back to school anymore. So, I asked my mom to book me a visa to KSA to live with them and work my butt off there.

I wasn't doing fine at school back then because of a break-up. I suffered from mild depression back then and it lasted for 4-5 month. I was skipping classes because I was losing concentration during classes. But, thank be to God, because my professors helped me out. They knew what I have beein going through and they're all aware that I was failing all of my subject that time so they enouraged me to keep on working atleast my thesis. I've been more than half-way to defending our study so they motivated me never to quit just yet because I still got the chance to make it better. And so I did! They're great motivators! I also got my 'Psych-o' squad with me that time. They did everything that they could and been cheering me up on a daily basis til I get through that hell-like phase of my life. So, I've only passed one subject (which was my thesis) and I failed the rest of my them. My friends were all graduates now. I'm hopeful, anyway! I know I'll get there. *winks*

That's what frustration does to me. It always just hits me hard and knocks me deep down!

I mentioned that I also fear rejection. I hate the feeling of being rejected that's why I don't usually try to insist someone for something when they already said 'No'. Twice is enough. Thrice would make me slap you already! If you're up for it, say 'Yes!' but if you don't, just simply say 'No'.

I don't usually take 'No' as an answer, though. You should always bring with you a reasonable explanation, and if you would want to try to make up some shitty ones, you better come up with a good one. Dare not to make me figure out that you're lying. I'm good at it. I sure am.

But, something did change in me. Yep. Something.

I realized how amazing life can be when you start to do things that you've never done before. I realized how awesome my life could be if I try to break some rules; rules that I have been living with this long!

I learned that I should never regret anything that I've done before; the stupid things that I've done. Because at the end of that road, you'll eventually realize that it happened for good reason. You will never actually learn anything at all if you're too consumed with your fears in life. Life wouldn't be that great for you if you won't dare to take some risks. You will never enjoy what life could bring if you will always be afraid to make mistakes and fail for a few times!

Break some rules! Do things that you usually hate before! Be wild! Be awesome! Be stupid! Be obnoxious! Get wasted! Get high! Be the person that everyone usually hates even just for a day!

Don't ever fear of losing anyone! Your real people will always get you. You'll learn to find out who the real ones are by actually losing some. I've already proven that myself; many left but the best of the best stayed. I don't care if they're few in count. I get them and they get me and that'll be the best part of it. People come and go. If they left you and never returned, that only means that they're just a chapter in your life; their existence in your book is never meant to last.

Try to do things that you find unusual because it's way more fun than you could ever imagine!

Bounce!

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MY INSIGHTS ON "KITA KITA"

AGE WILL NEVER MATTER

REALIZATIONS FROM MY QUEST FOR LOVE

GIVING UP ON LOVE

FEAR IS STUPID SO BREAK SOME RULES!

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